January 8th, 2006
11:46
Wife
This is a heads-up to those friends who haven’t experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have: Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It’s happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?
Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary.
My body was being replaced one section at a time.
How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning.
In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That’s why I decided to tell my story. I can’t take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn’t plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don’t you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face “lifted,” look again. Was it lifted from you?
I think I finally found my thighs… and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” you don’t understand.
“I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”
“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom. “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - ‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!
January 6th, 2006
06:17
Sex
A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands, he then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
So the girl looks at him and says: “You must be a dentist!”
The guy all surprised says “Yes … how did you figure that out?”
The girl replies: “Easy, you keep washing your hands”.
Anyhow, as is so often the case, one thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done, the girl said: “You must be a GREAT dentist!”
The guy was very very surprised, he says: “Yes, I sure am a great dentist.
How did you figure that out?”
The girl says: ‘Its easy … I didn’t feel a thing.”
January 5th, 2006
10:21
Blonde
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him,” said the psychiatrist “Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
January 4th, 2006
09:35
Blonde
A blonde lady was lost in her car in a terrible snowstorm. She
remembered what her dad had once told her: “If you ever get stuck in a
snowstorm, wait for a snowplough and just follow it.”
Pretty soon, a snowplough came by and she started to follow it. She
followed the plough for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the
snowplough got out and asked what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in a
snowstorm to follow a plough.
The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m through with ploughing the
Wal-Mart lot. Now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills… The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”
“Well… you pay ten dollars… and IF you pass three tests you get all the money!!!”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up! “What are the three tests?”
“Pay FIRST…” says the bartender… “Those are the rules.” So the man
gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar… “OK,” the bartender says, “here’s what you need to do…
“FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila… the
WHOLE thing, all at ONCE… and you CAN’T make a face while doing it…
SECOND: There’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth… You
have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS…
THIRD: There’s a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm
during intercourse… You’ve gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her.”
The man is stunned… “I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks…but I’m not an IDIOT! I
WON’T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,
and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your MONEY stays where it is…”
The man has a few drinks…then a few more… Finally…he asks,
“WHERRRRE’S ZAAAT TEQUIIIILA?!”
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp…Tears
are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face…
Next…he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up…The people
inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside…
They hear the pit bull barking…the guy screaming… the pit bull
yelping…and then SILENCE .
Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into he
bar …with his shirt ripped… and large, bloody scratches all over his
body…
“NOW……..”he says……”WHERES THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH???!”
