A very religious couple was touring the Holy Land during the Christmas season and decided it would be very meaningful to them to spend Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, the birth place of Jesus.
Arriving there, they searched high and low for a room, but none was available at any price. Finally, they pulled up in front of the Sheraton-Bethlehem and the husband got out of the car, telling his wife:
“Stay here, sweetie. Let me see if I can do something for us.”
He approached the desk and the clerk told him there were no rooms. “Sorry, sir. It’s Christmas Eve, our busiest time.”
No matter how much the man offered to pay, the clerk said he had nothing.
Finally, the man told the clerk, “I bet if I told you my name was Joseph, that the woman waiting in the car was called Mary, and that she had a newborn infant, you’d find us a room.”
“Well,” stammered the clerk, “I– I suppose so.”
“Okay,” said the man. “I guarantee you, they are not coming tonight — so I’ll take their room.”
December 24th, 2005
21:30
Men
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Willie loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time, standing at the table.
Gus looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws and Harry picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any
worse. “Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you will ever
meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”
Harry goes over to the Willie’s apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Harry declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Harry says, “I’ll go tell him.”
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression.
In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
“What was your sin, my son?” asked the priest.
“I stole some lumber, Father,” replied the man.
“How much lumber did you steal?” asked the priest.
“Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse.”
The priest replied, “Well, that’s not so bad.”
The man continued, “Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage.”
“Well, now, that’s a little more serious.”
“Father, there’s more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!”
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. “That is a little more serious. I’m afraid you’ll have to make a novena.”
“Father, I’m not sure what a novena is, but if you’ve got the blueprints, I’ve got the lumber!”
December 22nd, 2005
21:23
Sex
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he
goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.
“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool,” says Bobby.
Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in
movie.
Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear
all of the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says,”Whaaaat?”
“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll
screw all night if we let her!”
Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front
door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening, kids!”
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Dammit,
Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!”
The Native Americans asked their Chief in the fall, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”
The man on the phone responded, “This winter was going to be quite cold indeed.”
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replies, “the Native Americans are collecting wood like crazy!”
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying at the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong?
“I feel terrible, “he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again; he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again, until he hops off out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?” The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says…..
“Hairspray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave”
