December 31st, 2005
21:42
Golf
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he’d just escaped a tornado.
“What’s wrong?” a woman asked.
“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.
“What? But Houlihan’s the worst player I’ve ever seen.
How could he have beaten you?”
“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap.
I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted.
He said, ‘Just give me two gotchas.’”
“What’s a gotcha?” asked the woman.
“That’s what I wanted to know,” the pro said.”
Houlihan said, ‘You’ll see.’
Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘Gotcha!’”
“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.
“Sure,” the pro said. “The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”
“Understandable,” the woman said. “But still, that’s only one swing.
How did he win the game?”
The pro answered, “You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second ‘gotcha!’”
This story concerns itself with a wholesaler in New York who sent a letter to the postmaster of a small mid-western town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler’s goods.
He got this reply:
“Dear Sir:
“I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant had refused to pay. And if I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just where you could stick your claim.”
Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.
He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill.
A short,ginger-haired guy in a kilt. “Hammer o’ the Scots?” yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. “Come up here, ya English bastards, and I’ll give ye a hammerin’!”
Edward turns to his commander. “Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, there’s a good chap!”, he says.
The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.
“Ya English bampots!”, he yells. “Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I’ll have ye all !”
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed.
He turns to his commander. “Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!”
The commander sends a hundred men over the hill to do the job.Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more,his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. “Ya English SCUM!”, he yells. “I’m just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English gits!!”
Edward losses patience. “Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!”, he yells.
The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, snot and Irn-Bru. “Is that the best ye can do??? You’re bloody WIMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!!!”, he yells.
Edward turns to his second in command. “Take 1000 men over that hill and don’t come back till you’ve killed him!” he commands.
The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He’s covered in blood and his clothes are all torn.
“Your Majesty!! he yells.
“It’s a trap!!!
There’s TWO of them!!!
December 28th, 2005
21:37
Blonde
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. “Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”
“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it’s intentions.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windsheld into my wife’s face.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- The pedestrian had no ideawhich direction to run, so I ran over him.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounded off the roof of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”
Little Johnnie was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with some of the neighborhood children for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is it called when people sleep on top of each other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
“It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.” Then she explained all about the birds and the bees to him in some detail.
Little Johnnie just said, “OK” and went back outside to play.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It’s called bunk beds!”
