bingbongboo fun

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform.How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
A: 1 US leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we’re closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky’s cheeks so puffy?
A: She’s withholding evidence.

Q: What’s the difference between light and hard
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What’s the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

I take my wife everywhere…..but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary? “Somewhere haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She
said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought
her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The driver said “No, jump in!”

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “always.”

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one

If a man has enough “horse sense” to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin’ from the specimens they pick for husbands, it’s no wonder that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past… but never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: “Honey, you stick to the washin’, ironin’, cookin’, and scrubbin’. No wife of mine is gonna work.”

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man — he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health… and he’s already used to taking orders.

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. “Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.

“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.

“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called “Towel Heads”, since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as “Little Sheet Heads.”

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.