WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
Adventurous……………Hope to sleep with everyone
Emotionally Secure…………………………Loner
Free spirit………………………………Junkie
Passionate………………….Looking for sex only
Professional………………..Heard this line works
Voluptuous……………………………..Very Fat
Adventurous…………………..Slept with everyone
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Feminist……………………………………Fat
Friendship first……………………..Former slut
Fun……………………………………Annoying
New Age……………..Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned…………………………….No BJs
Outgoing……………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate………………………….Sloppy drunk
Rubenesque…………………………..Hugely Fat
A Scot, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar.
They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
“My God, it’s Jesus!”
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Mac Ewen’s ale, and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: “My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!”
Jesus then shakes the Scot’s hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock.
“Hootman, ma bad back, I’ve had all ma life is completely goone! It’s a bluddy miracle.”
Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
“What’s wrong my son?” says Jesus.
The Liverpudlian shouts, “f*** off, I’m on disability benefit!”
If she talks too long Interrupter.
If she wants to be an angel Transformer.
If she’s picking your pockets Detector.
If she will meet you half-way Receiver.
If she goes up in the air Condenser.
If she wants chocolates Feeder.
If she sings off-key Tuner.
If she’s out of town Telegrapher.
If she’s a poor cook Discharger.
If she’s too fat Reducer.
If she’s wrong Rectifier.
If she gossips too much Regulator.
If she becomes upset Reverser.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in awhile a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Damn!” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back alley is right behind the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!”
“So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay up”….
