When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days
later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some
strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified,
the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent
close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from
the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a
moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played
backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s
backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening, “There’s
the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He
stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My
fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven
decomposing.”
October 30th, 2005
03:17
Men
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,”says Dave.
“He’s on my bowling team.
“When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and bringsover a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey.
We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?
“Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
October 29th, 2005
13:14
Sex
Over on North Shore, two widows were talking and one asked the other, “Do you ever get to feeling horny?”
“Yes,” her friend replied.
“What do you do about it?”
“I usually suck on a Lifesaver.”
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, “Well, what beach do you go to?”
October 28th, 2005
07:13
Sex
A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.
The bartender wandered over and asked, “How did it go last night?”
The mouse said, “Man, that was the best sex I ever had!”
The bartender smiled. “Well, you sure look the worse for wear!”
“No kidding,” the mouse replied. “Between the kissing and the foreplay, I must have run 10 miles!”
October 27th, 2005
19:29
Wife
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?” “Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie.”
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true.
Now go back and think about #16.
