bingbongboo fun

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ 
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’
Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied. 
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’ 
The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no fuckin problem,” the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my fuckin money in this damn bank.”

“Oh…I see,” says the manager, “and is this bitch giving you a hard time sir???”

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest.
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf|  Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors| I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp .

Paddy was in  New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’   Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop ha d shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, ‘Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..’
The man was astonished and asked, ‘So what do I do with these?’
The doctor replied, ‘Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If
she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw’, you hit her head with the shovel.