Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago ?’
‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob.
‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?’
‘Well, um, yes !,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.”
And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from O’ Fallon, IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for
directions to the Coors Light beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the score card notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED’S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting drunk from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods…not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear end with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing… it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’SS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili…not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. So sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in lahore.
Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes,
I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab.
I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long.
My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly.
I am playing hardly also.
Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller.
Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running.
Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone.
I am jolly. I am gay.
Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft.
I am always giving respect to the ladies.
I am always allowing ladies to get on top.
That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits.
I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else.
Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything.
Daily I am pumping and pumping.
If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.
I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.
What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday.
That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and
take my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you,
I will be loving you very hard every day.
In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me,
I will press you and press you until you come.
So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet
and looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon
Yours and only yours
Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab
A fart it is a pleasant thing
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound like a song!
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while…
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true -
We must never forget..
Sweet old farts like you!
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
